I manage accounts for an organic catering company.
My nine-to-five revolves around food. Yes, I still adore my local farmers’ market. And nothing soothes my soul like preparing an elaborate-but-comforting dinner for my friends and family. But, ah, after eight hours at my desk, what with the scents of a zillion-things-a-simmer sailing through my windowless workspace air, I’m kinda over it.
So, I’m thinking, maybe I’ll bring more to the e-table than just a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. By the way, PBJs no longer keep me full at lunch. My new go-to summer office lunch: low-fat plain yogurt + Kashi cereal + fruit of the day (whatever I bring from home, or whatever is in the walk-in at work that we don’t need for a catering job usually gets thrown in the bowl, but my market-fresh, just-cut apricots made a phenomenal, peak-season special last week.)
Wait, why am I talking about food? This was supposed to be something different. Here goes nothing… I’ll start with a simple 1-2-3 of things floating through my mind.
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1. ”@#%! You, You’re Fat, Too!”
I was eating frozen yogurt on my (broken) couch tonight, watching DVRed back episodes of Fashion Police. This one episode from a couple of weeks ago flashed a picture of Christina Aguilera that was just not good, not at all.
Source: Just Jared
I know that she probably suffered so, so much to be as thin as she was during those “Genie in a Bottle” days, and I feel for her, I really do. But oh, man, did I smile when Kelly Osbourne spoke these words regarding this, well, kinda washed-up pop star:
“Maybe she’s just becoming the fat bitch she’s always wanted to be. I don’t know. She called me fat for so many f*cking years, so, you know what? F*ck you, you’re fat too.”
Sweet! Check out the video of this here.
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2. ”How many calories in a baby’s arm?”
It is painful, really, how much restraint I must exercise to not google the question posed in the above headline. How did I even think of such a bizarre question? Well, this little blurb in the Los Angeles Times really got my creative juices flowing:
A 36-year-old woman allegedly snatched an infant from his stroller and slammed him into the metal railing of a truck as his mother and aunt tried to fight her off, police said Wednesday.
The woman, Natasha Hubbard, later told police she wanted to eat the baby’s arm. The baby suffered only minor injuries.
Okay, now, all giggles aside, this is totally absurd and horrific and a mother’s worst nightmare. And I acknowledge the sheer terror with which this family has surely been struck. But, guys, OMFG.
(Okay, I googled it. The results are in. And they are lame-sauce! Don’t believe me? See for yourself, freak.)
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3. I am in love with a dress I do not need.
Like, I do not need it, not even a little bit, not at all. And this is coming from the girl who has needed a (very beloved) stuffed duck, a Wii that’s been used once, and several servings of fruit in the middle of night, during deep slumber, people.
Source: Neiman Marcus
Anyway, if you have a money tree, please send this dress to me. And invite me to a gala to which I might wear the pretty thing, too. Preferably, the event would take place in California, in February, so my hair would look nice.
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So, what do you think? Is this stuff of any interest? Or is it just an extension of my already-obnoxious Facebook account? Let me know what you’d like to see next in the poll below. Or in the comments section. Or, if you are my mother, just call me after lunch tomorrow.
(Hi, Grandma! Love you!)